So I haven’t read Ayelet Waldman’s book by this title yet, but I can already identify. From the reviews I’ve read and after hearing Ms. Waldman interviewed by Terry Gross, I’ve gleaned that the book refers to the unending possibilities of screwing up parenting…at least if you are a woman.
For example, here are the times this week I felt like a bad mother:
1. I gave Eliza egg whites…which she handled fine…but upon reading more about it and getting advice from pediatricians…I felt confused and well…like a bad mother.
2. I forgot to pay my nanny on Monday. And on Tuesday.
3. I picked Eliza up late from day care…twice.
4. I watched Eliza put a ant trap in her mouth.
5. I worked.
6. I didn’t play with Eliza enough…or was it well enough.
Now Howie has been present for most of these events…and should be considered co-responsible for these events. Although he’s probably the lieutenant to my captain, he’s definitely the most engaged of fathers. Nevertheless, Howie has never turned to me, eyes full of fear, and asked “Kate, am I a bad father?”
The fact that I spend time questioning my capacity to be a “good” mother to my child demonstrates how incredibly strong the cultural script for motherhood is in the US. Images of “good mothers and bad mothers” are shoved down our throats through advertising and television. But I also think I have picked up these bad habits from other mothers. Mothers I know are constantly obsessing about their ability to do what’s best for their children. And I think it’s rubbing off on me.
I’m ashamed and embarrassed that I’m not immune to the cultural script for motherhood which says I must be perfect and selfless and fully informed at all times. That I should be laid back but hyper-aware. Creative but structured. Clean but accepting of messes. Beautiful but not focused on looks. Working but fully focused on Eliza. Happy with one child…but looking forward to another.
Frankly, I’m pissed off that being a feminist doesn’t make me immune to feeling, at times, like a fat, lazy, unattractive, bad mother. I think it just puts a finer point on things because it shows me the limitations of being socially and politically aware. The script is there for me as much as it is for other women. I even hesitate to post this on the blog…because it invites reassurances from friends and family that I’m a good mother. But these assurances just add to our dichotomous understanding of women as parents. That they are good or bad. No one is in between. No one wants to be just a mother.
It is in this space of irritation and grumbling that I start to make connections between my home life and my work. Women in our culture pay a dear emotional price for their ability to reproduce. In situations where women feel they are ready to become good mothers, many end up feeling like they are incapable of cheerfully meeting the unending set of obligations that would reward them with that label. For women who find they are not ready for “good motherhood” and thus choose abortion or adoption, the label of “bad mother” also applies.
Somewhere in here there is a book called “Damned if you Do, Damned if you Don’t.”
I don’t know if Ms. Waldman’s book offers any insight on how to get out of this cultural bind. But I am eagerly awaiting my copy.
